I think I am losing it!

Ok, I am warning everyone this is a venting post. I usually think I am in control of my temper, I usually recover from Gunner's random tantrums and move on. I usually think I am at least an adequate Mother...but today I feel like a total mess and a total failure. Let's start with Sunday at the Maryland Science Center.

After driving to my parents house after Mikie's party we decided to do something fun for the kids the next day. We decided on going into Baltimore and going to the Science Center because they have a dinosaur exhibit, which I knew Gunner would love, and a kid's room that both Hudson and Gunner could run wild in. Everyone was having a good time, we ended the day in the Kid's room where Gunner only wanted to play with the train table (don't know why you would want to play with the only thing that you already have at home, but I was happy to let him do what he wanted).

Then it was time to go, so I say "Ok Gunner, you can play with one more thing and then we have to go", he says "I want to play with the train" I say "ok, how many more times around the track?" and he says "NO, I can't"...then proceeds to push his train into the girl's train next to him, so I say "Ok, we have to share the track, it is her turn now, let's go look at the water room and then go". He then says "NO. I CAN'T". So I take his hand and pull him to the side and tell him to count to 20 and calm down and then we were going because he isn't listening to Mommy. He proceeds to throw the biggest screaming, shrieking fit I have ever seen, I had to put him under my arm and carry him out kicking and screaming while about 100 parents watched with looks of total horror.

Instead of learning his lesson, which is that you lose every privilege and see Mommy and Daddy absolutely livid, he is continuing to test me. I took him to the gym today and when it was time to leave the playroom he started again with "No, I can't". I gave him one chance to listen and then took the toy out of his hands and carried him out crying (not as bad as the Science Center, but enough to get my blood boiling). So he loses gummies and T.V. after that...now maybe he would learn.

Then I try to improve every one's mood by taking both of them outside to play after lunch; but Hudson starts getting fussy, so I tell Gunner to come inside for a minute while I lay Hudson down for his nap, and then we can come outside again and play golf (I can't leave him outside by himself because of all the water around our house). Gunner says he has to put the balls in the bag 1st...at this point Hudson has started full on crying and I say "Gunner, just leave everything right there and we will come right back out". He doesn't listen, so I walk towards him and say "You can't come back out and play with them, if you don't listen to me and come inside right now". So he proceeds to start yelling "NO, I CAN'T" and throwing a tantrum AGAIN!

Then I lost my temper...no holds barred, lost my temper. I pulled him inside by the front of his shirt, gave him a smack on the tush ( I don't spank, so I feel so bad about this I can't even begin to tell you). Then I tell him to "get his butt upstairs right now"...he continues his screaming and crying all the way upstairs. I shoved him into my room and laid Hudson down as calmly as I could muster, because by then he is totally freaked out by all the yelling and crying. Then I went back in and yelled at Gunner like I have never yelled before...I told him he was getting his popsicles, T.V., favorite toys and anything else I could think of, taken away from him for the day and that he had to stay in my bed until dinner time, I told him that he ruined the day for everyone, just like he did at the Science Center and that he was horribly bad today and I didn't want to be around him or talk to him if he was going to act like that. He was actually so shocked he stopped crying and stared at me with what looked like fear in his eyes.

I said..no, I yelled all these things like a totally crazy person...I have never felt so horrible. I know that this isn't going to help anything, I know that isn't teaching him the right way to act when you are angry, and I can't believe I said mean things to my own child; but in the moment I wanted him to feel as terrible as I did...and I feel sick about it now.

So that is it, believe me no one can judge me more harshly than I am judging myself right now. Now I have to figure out how to make amends for acting badly while still giving the message that his behavior was not OK...so basically I have made a bad situation worse. Why don't any of those parenting books tell you that the terrible twos have nothing on the terrible 3's! Why is this so hard sometimes, and how can someone I love so much push all of my buttons to make me so irrational?

Gunner's trip to outer space

Tonights dinner conversation went something like this.

"I saw the planets and the stars Mom"
"Where did you see them?"
"I got in a big rocket ship and flew way up in the sky and saw the planets and the stars. I flew over Earth (it took me a while to determine what "Earth" was, a 3 year old's pronunciation made it sound more like OUF)"
"Really, during your nap"
"Yep. Daddy got in the rocket too."
"What else did you see in outer space"
"I saw the planes and the Earth....and ice cream. I saw vanilla ice cream and I ate it. But Daddy didn't eat it and the rocket ship didn't it it EITHER"
"Wow, did you go to any planets?"
"They were too high in the sky...I also saw the ickies..." (this is what we call lint in the tub which we have to use "magic bubbles" to get rid of, not sure what it is doing in outer space)
"What did you do?"
"I carried them on the rocket ship and flew them AWAY!"

I could have continued this story forever, but he finished his dinner and decided it was time to go load plastic food into his toy semi-truck....we all have our priorities.

The Many Faces of Gunner

The last few days have been a veritable costume party...usually Gunner picks one outfit and wears it every day for a week, forgets about dressing up for a couple days and then picks a different costume. The last week however, he changes clothes more frequently than the host of the Oscars! When Daddy came home in his cami's he had to put on his "uniform"; when Murray on a Wiggles DVD was the "King of Guitars", he ran and put on his king costume (he is the "king of drums" in case you were wondering...thanks to the electronic drum sticks my Mom got him for X-mas...thanks Mom!). When we got an invitation to a kids pirate party, he had to dress up in his pirate costume. For his first bonfire in our backyard he was Super Why, and manages to be a dinosaur at every other available moment at home...although today we found his missing Spiderman mask, so he is taking his nap as the webbed one. When he jump starts his movie career I hope that he remembers his patient mother going to the mall with a fireman, super hero or a Brachiosaurus (this is the kind of dinosaur he has decided he is because it "eats plants and is friendly but is scary too"). Here are a few pictures of this weeks role-play.

Dressed like Daddy (I particularly like the CARS tattoo on his hand, nice touch)....


Love the attached hair on this one...I had to tie it into a pony tail because he kept walking around holding it out like this....


Getting ready to go to the mall with Mommy....

Trying to give one of his not so loyal subjects a hug...

Super Why eating some smores...


I really have to say that I feel like there is a full moon this week, because both boys have been so adorable and so good...lots of laughing and playing together...their favorite is chasing each other in and out of the firetruck tent, but I couldn't get video or pictures of it, because they were either moving too fast for me or would realize what I was doing and stop.

Which brings me to Hudson's latest adorable habit (I have to give the poor child his due, since he is less dramatic than Gunner he doesn't get the face time!), which is to say "TEEEESSSSS" whenever he sees me with the camera. He must have heard Gunner saying cheese and decided that is what you do whenever you catch sight of a camera. It is exciting whenever he uses words, because, like Gunner, he isn't handing them out unless he feels like it. He will randomly parrot stuff he hears other people say, and then we try to get him to say it again and he just laughs at us. The only words he uses with any consistency are "down", "teesse" (see above), "Daddy" and his own name. He will parrot sentences at random, but won't use his words (i.e. today in the car he said "I did it" after Gunner did and at my friend Alicia's house house he repeated "hey Terry"). What happened to "Mommy" is what I want to know!

It does make for a cute smile when he says cheese....

Vomiting my way into the New Year (& not from too much champagne)

Let's start off by saying that I was excited that Lenny was going to be home on New Years Eve for the first time in 3 years, we were planning a nice romantic evening at home with a good bottle of champagne, and I was going to cook his favorite meal, chicken parm (don't tell him that, it will only add insult to injury).

What happened you ask? I woke up at midnight on the 30th so violently ill that I got sick for 6 hours straight...Lenny brought me a sleeping bag and pillow on the bathroom floor. This is when you thank god for a wonderful husband. After being up all night with me getting sick until 6:00, Hudson started vomiting at 8:00...while I was still on the bathroom floor. In between bringing me ice chips and doing many loads of laundry (Hudson threw up on his sheets 3 times not to mention on Lenny & himself) I think he was probably wondering why he ever wanted a wife and children! Anyway, he took care of us all day long, I was too sick to be of any use...I finally kept gatorade down at 7:00 that night. Luckily, Hudson was better by late afternoon, just feeling badly. I am doing a lot better today, although I still haven't eaten anything other than instant potatoes and white rice!
At least Gunner hasn't gotten it (so far), although he does have a nasty cold . I have decided to blame all illnesses on the childrens birthday party we went to on Sunday for a girl in his class, where I heard 2 different parents saying how their kids didn't feel well.....WHY did you bring them then!!! I thought of blaming Amber since everytime I read about an illness on her blog or facebook we come down with it a week later...just kidding...but a wierd coincidence, ha ha. Hope everyone else had a better New Year than we did!